


Hard Times

by softkilluas99



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Awkward Flirting, Drunk Texting, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Gender Dysphoria, Humor, M/M, Romance, Texting, Trans Character, a bunch of nerds in a group, no idea where this is going at all but lets just go with it and have fun at these losers expense, not a lot just a brief mention and it's okay, okay, roy mustang is a fake strict bitch with a heart of gold, trans ling yao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-04-06 06:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14051067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softkilluas99/pseuds/softkilluas99
Summary: "All that I want is a hole in the ground, you can tell me when it's alright for me to come out." A bunch of kids trying to figure out future plans and dating and how the hell to pass the next exam. College is torture and it's a hard knock life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this groupchat fic, I'm experimenting a little but it's a bit of a relief to write something that's no pressure. I love FMA and I'm super glad to be writing for the fandom (don't worry, I will still write for hxh)

  * **Ed** :  the dank meme provider/Elric, Edward
  * **Al** :  alphie *uwu*/ Elric, Alphonse
  * **Winry** :  life is better as a robot change my mind
  * **Paninya** :  nya/knee you in the nuts nya
  * **Mustang** :  *poop emoji*/ Uncle Mustang
  * **Ling** :  King Ling
  * **Lan Fan** :  I’m only here to kick some ass



* * *

 

_New Message_

To: ***poop emoji***

 

**Elric, Edward** : Mustang!! My favorite guy, one of my best buddies, almost like my uncle-figure!!

***poop emoji*** : What do you want, Edward? Make this quick.

**Elric, Edward** : Well sheesh you cut right to the chase, don’t ya

***poop emoji*** : 1 minute

**Elric, Edward** : Alright alright! Look. Listen. There’s something I gotta take care of, you wouldn’t mind. You know. Marking me present for ROTC’s program one day, right?

***poop emoji*** : I helped you get into the university’s ROTC program to attend it, not to miss it. Are you starting to skip class, Elric? Do I have to check in on you, again?

**Elric, Edward** : KJRFJNFKLDF NO!  
**Elric, Edward** : No! Don’t do that, pffffftttttt I’m going to all my classes I promise!

***poop emoji*** : Edward 

**Elric, Edward** : I said I promise! There’s just a really cool convention going on I wanted to go to!

***poop emoji*** : Education is more important. Do you give me your word you’ll be at ROTC today?

**Elric, Edward** : UgggGGGHHHhhh  
**Elric, Edward** : I give you my word 

***poop emoji*** : That’s what I like to hear _*thumbs up emoji*_

 

**The Sad Generation:**

**the dank meme provider** : whats up you hooligans 

**King Ling** : I’m about to kick Lan Fan’s ass that’s what

**nya** : Oh shit!  
**nya** : FIGHT, FIGHT!

**the dank meme provider** : Ling I hate to tell you this but  
**the dank meme provide** r: lan fan’s gonna lay your ass out 

**King Ling** : YOU PUNK BITCH

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : I have to agree with Ed boy over there

**King Ling** : I want the both of you to pick an ass cheek and kiss it

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : I’M ALLERGIC TO BOYS HOW DARE

**nya** : Only ass she’s kissing is mine

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : Paninya sweetie, please don’t help

**the dank meme provider** : KSJEFNKSJRNGFKR

**King Ling** : OHOHOHOHOO

**nya** : RUDE

**the dank meme provider** : anyway im all for some ass kicking  
**the dank meme provider** : but what did Lan Fan do so wrong that provokes said ass kicking  
**the dank meme provider** : let the jury know, i am not against ass kicking, lan fan could always use one

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : the jury notes. proceed.

**King Ling** : she ate the fucking last potsticker  
**King Ling** : I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT SHIT WHEN I GOT HOME FROM SCHOOL YESTERDAY  
**King Ling** : AND LO AND BEHOLD  
**King Ling** : Lan Fan was sitting there with her cheeks big enough to rival a fucking hamster  
**King Ling** : I’ve never ever felt so betrayed in my entire life 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

**King Ling** : I guess it’s true what they say  
**King Ling** : the people you love the most wound you the deepest 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : LING, YOU PUNK ASS BITCH

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : ling, this is dramatic af  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : I can’t even pretend to be surprised at this point 

**nya** : _bangs fists on table_ KICK HER ASS! KICK HER ASS!

**the dank meme provider** : Paninya you are the biggest instigator and I’m LIVING

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : YOU DUMBASS  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : IF IT MEANS SO MUCH TO YOU, I’LL JUST BUY YOU SOME MORE  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : ARE YOU HAPPY?! 

**nya** : are you gonna take that, King Ling? She ate your food and now she thinks she can just REPLACE IT? SHE THROWS HER MONEY AT YOU!

**King Ling** : Paninya’s right!  
**King Ling** : It’s the _principle_ of the thing, Lan Fan!  
**King Ling** : The first cut is always the deepest! 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Control your girlfriend Winry

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : I can’t, she thrives off chaos and anarchy

**nya** : AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA

**alphie *uwu*** : I want you all to know I had to turn my phone off in class because it rang so much  
**alphie *uwu*:** what the heck is going on! 

**King Ling** : LAN FAN STABBED ME IN THE BACK THAT’S WHAT

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : You’ve always been such a cry baby, Ling!

**King Ling** : Alphonse, please tell that backstabber to never ever speak to me again or even breathe in my presence

**alphie *uwu*** : yea I’m definitely not doing that

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Alphonse please tell this _cry baby bitch_ that I don’t even want to breathe in his presence so he doesn’t have to worry about it!

**Alphie *uwu*** : You guys are cousins and we go through this once a week  
**Alphie *uwu*** : We’re also in the same chat. How is this supposed to happen? You’re literally already speaking to each other

**the dank meme provider** : LET THEM QUABBLE

**nya** : that’s a 5 dollar word, look at you. I guess college is teaching you new skills.

**the dank meme provider** : i GUess cOLlege iS TEAchiNg yOu NEw sKIlLs  
**the dank meme provider** : sick_spongebob_shit.jpg

**nya** : nevermind. I take everything back. 

**King Ling** : EDWARD, THIS IS NO TIME FOR MEMES  
**King Ling** : DOES MY DESPAIR MEAN NOTHING TO YOU ALL 

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : Seeing as how you’re going to be over this by the afternoon  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : Not really

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : HAH!

**Alphie *uwu*** : She has a point

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Those potstickers weren’t even that great, I saved you!

**nya** : And she sticks the knife in deeper!!!!

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : Okay Pan it’s time to stop

**nya** : CHAOS! ANARCHY! CHAOS! ANARCHYYY!!!

**King Ling** : I’m ashamed we’re cousins Lan Fan!!

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Welcome to my world, you little shit

**the dank meme provider** : Alright, alright everyone calm down. As much as I’d like this to go on, I have class and don’t want to miss it  
**the dank meme provider** : Ling, I’ll buy you some potstickers from that place off campus we both like 

**King Ling** : beyooonce_.gif  
**King Ling** : GODDAMNIT WRONG ONE  
**King Ling** : o_rly.gif 

**nya** : OOOHH, IS EVERYONE INVITED

**the dank meme provider** : no fuck you guys

 

_Direct Message_ ( **@the dank meme provider** )

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : wow  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : nice job hiding your total hard on for Ling

**the dank meme provider** : JRGNEGETJG  
**the dank meme provider** : what tHE FUCK  
**the dank meme provider** : WHAT THEF UCK FUCK YOU 

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : Duuuuuuuude  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : You’re **so** obvious

  **the dank meme provider** : IT LOOKS INCONSPICUOUS  
**the dank meme provider** : i’M TRYING TO APPEASE!

  **life is better as a robot change my mind** : When do you ever try to do that?

**the dank meme provider** : ……….

**life is better as a robot** : I don’t know why you won’t ask him out already

**the dank meme provider** : what IF HE DOESN;T LIKE ME  
**the dank meme provider** : What if I’m reading too much into things  
**the dank meme provider** : what if this is all one sided  
**the dank meme provider** : and he just enjoys spending time with me because I buy him lunch  
**the dank meme provider** : oh my GOD  
**the dank meme provider** : AM I A SUGAR DADDY

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : OH MY GOD KING LING’S SUGAR DADDY  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : this is incredible!!! 

**the dank meme provider** : SJKGNDNDKNHDGK  
**the dank meme provider:** FUCK YOU I HAVE CLASS

 

**The Sad Generation:**

  **alphie *uwu*** : i wasn’t invited but if we were planning on doing this today, I won’t be able to. I have to cram for some quizzes

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : Me and Pan are busy anyway so SHRUG

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I don’t want to be near mister fire breathing dragon over there

**King Ling** : EDWARD IS MY HERO

**the dank meme provider** : yeah yeah whatever, don’t say i never did shit for you

**King Ling** : _*heart eyes emoji*_

**the dank meme provider** : anyway i gtg  
**the dank meme provider** : CLASS 

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : SEE YA SUGAR DADDY

**alphie *uwu*** : what?

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : WHAT

**King Ling** : Who?

 

_Direct Message_ ( **@alphie *uwu*** )

**the dank meme provider** : Hey Al  
**the dank meme provider** : Al  
**the dank meme provider** : A  
**the dank meme provider** : L 

**alphie *uwu*** : this better be good  
**alphie *uwu*** : you’re literally sitting right next to me  
**alphie *uwu*** : WHAT 

**the dank meme provider** : pass the popcorn  
**the dank meme provider** : i’m listening to a really good song and i dont want to pause it!  
**the dank meme provider** : REAL MATURE, ALPHONSE  
**the dank meme provider** : THROWING THE BOWL AT ME  
**the dank meme provider** : SOME OF IT FELL ON THE FLOOR  
**the dank meme provider** : wait WHERE  
**the dank meme provider** : ARE YOU GOING WAIT AL  
**the dank meme provider** : ALPHOOONNSSEEE!!

 

_Direct Message_ ( **@King Ling** ) 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Are you still angry with me?

**King Ling** : I hope a million pigeons shit on your car if that answers your question

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Come on Ling!  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I said I was sorry! 

**King Ling** : Actually you said everything but an apology  
**King Ling** : HMPH 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Motherfucker  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : You’re gonna make me do it, huh?  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I’m sorry I ate the last potsticker  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : THERE 

**King Ling** : And?

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : And???

**King Ling** : And you promise  
**King Ling** : To never ever ever ever ever ever so long as you are alive on this Earth  
**King Ling** : Do it again 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Why are you so fucking _dramatic_

**King Ling** : If this is apart of the apology  
**King Ling** : I do not accept and you are not forgiven 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : AND I PROMISE TO NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVERRRRRRRR  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Ever ever ever ever  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Do it again  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Ever  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Ever ever ever ever  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Happy? 

**King Ling** : Abundantly!  
**King Ling** : You may now kiss my hand 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Yeah, I’d rather eat rotten potstickers and end up with food poisoning

**King Ling** : You are valid even if you’re disgusting

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : So, how did your date with the Elric brother go?

**King Ling** : First of all!  
**King Ling** : You know damn well you remember his name wtf  
**King Ling** : Second of all  
**King Ling** : OMG IT WAS NOT A DATE OKAY???! 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : You’re right, that’s only in your wet dreams

**King Ling** : BITCH  
**King Ling** : But yes oh my god have you **seen** Edward’s smile?!?  
**King Ling** : And he’s SUCH a gentlemen I just JKSRNGKJSN  
**King Ling** : God, I want him to fuck me UP 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I did not need to hear that last part  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I don’t even get it, he’s obviously into you and you’re into him  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : So fucking ask him out! 

**King Ling** : Excuse me?  
**King Ling** : A king waits upon his suitor, he does not go to the suitor 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : You know  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I’m pretty sure that’s _exactly_ how it works 

**King Ling** : This is modern society and the King waits! 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : You might be waiting a while there, loser  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Edward is literally the worst at showing any and all sorts of affection  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : But whatever it’s your heartache

**King Ling** : I’m NOT IN LEOVE WITH EDWZNRD  
**King Ling** : I just like the way his hair flows in the wind and his smile and his little quirks when he’s trying to concentrate  
**King Ling** : Did you notice he has a fucking DIMPLE on ONE side of his face?!  
**King Ling** : Not _both_  
**King Ling** : Just one and hot damn it is enough to BREAK ME  
**King Ling** : KJSRGNERNGETJK 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : ……….  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Right  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Good luck with that, cousin 

**King Ling** : Are you home yet? Come help me with this stupid project!

  **I’m only here to kick some ass** : Aye, King

**King Ling** : _*smiley emoji*_

 

_New Message_

To: **Elric, Alphonse**  
**Uncle Mustang** : Alphonse, how are you?

**Elric, Alphonse** : Oh hey Mustang! I’m okay, thanks. How about you?

**Uncle Mustang** : I am well, thank you. I have a question I hope you can shine some light on it.

**Elric, Alphonse** : I can try my best!

**Uncle Mustang** : Edward mentioned wanting to miss ROTC for a convention?

**Elric, Alphonse** : Oh. Yeah, that. There’s actually a science convention going on in the next few weeks that Edward and I were interested in. But, we know it falls on a day where ROTC is mandatory attendance.

**Uncle Mustang** : I see  
**Uncle Mustang** : So, it’s something educational? 

**Elric, Alphonse** : Oh absolutely! There’s going to be panels with actual scientists, presentations. That kind of stuff!

**Uncle Mustang** : I see  
**Uncle Mustang** : Well, I think it would be a great opportunity for you boys. I’ll see what strings I can pull. 

**Elric, Alphonse** : Really? Thanks, Mustang!!! Ed’s gonna be really excited!

**Uncle Mustang** : _*thumbs up emoji*_

 

_Direct Message_ ( **@the dank meme provider** ) 

**alphie *uwu*** : GUESS WHAT UNCLE SAID

**the dank meme provider** : he told you what he ate for lunch  
**the dank meme provider** : in painfully accurate detail 

**alphie *uwu*** : nah not this time

**the dank meme provider** : THANK THE COSMOS

**alphie *uwu*** : HE SAID WE COULD GO TO THE SCIENCE CONVENTION

**the dank meme provider** : he what

**alphie *uwu*** : he said he’d count us present for ROTC and let us go!!!!!!!!

**the dank meme provider** : FUCK YES

 

_New Message_

To: ***poop emoji***

**Elric, Edward** : So uncle  
**Elric Edward** : A little birdy has told me some great news 

***poop emoji*** : There are some restrictions 

**Elric, Edward** : Damnit I knew this came with strings attached!

***poop emoji*** : I want you both to take a lot of pictures and tell me what your favorite parts of the convention were after it’s all said and done

**Elric, Edward** : Ah.  
**Elric, Edward** : Yes, sir. 

***poop emoji*** : Good. But this is a one time approval.

**Elric, Edward** : Hey you wouldn’t mind giving us some money to spend at the convention, huuuuuhhhh????

***poop emoji*** : Negative, ghost rider

**Elric, Edward** : AW COME ON MUSTANG  
**Elric, Edward** : It’s like Khalid said! I’m young, dumb and broke! 

***poop emoji*** : I don’t know who Khalid is but you’re a college student with a stipend, I will not be fooled.

**Elric, Edward** : Do you even listen to the radio, get with the times!

***poop emoji*** : I’m hip with the kids, I know what’s coolio

**Elric, Edward** : Oh god my eyes have burned from their sockets I can’t believe I had to read that

***poop emoji*** : You’re welcome for my charity, Edward


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, welcome to chapter 2 of this wild ride!! I want to say thank you so much to everyone who has been reading and enjoying this and especially those who have left comments, I am eternally grateful!!! Your guys' words honestly encourage me to go on and I know I don't reply but that's more because I don't want to skew the comment ratio, please know I read them all and they make me smile and I'm sooooo glad you all enjoy this so much! Know that if you wanna drop a message, you can always hit me up on tumblr (softkillua.tumblr.com) Without further ado, here we go! (P.S. this fic will update every Friday/Saturday)

**The Sad Generation:**

**the dank meme provider** : Everyone, I have an announcement to make  
 **the dank meme provider** : PANINYA IS FUCKING CANCELED

**nya** : I’m offended, here I am existing in peace

**the dank meme provider** : **BITCH**

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : look it’s not her fault she has cat-like reflexes

**the dank meme provider** : CAT LIKE MY FUCKING _ASS_

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : what the hell is going on this time

**alphie *uwu*** : Ed snuck up behind Paninya so she hurt him in a bad place

**the dank meme provider** : MY NUTS  
**the dank meme provider** : DON’T SPARE THESE FUCKERS AL  
**the dank meme provider** : PANINYA KNEED ME IN THE FUCKING NUTS  
**the dank meme provider** : IM LITERALLY DYING AS WE SPEAK

**King Ling** : oh my god

**life is better a robot change my mind** : You know she’s sensitive about these things!!!!

**the dank meme provider** : PANINYA IS CANCELED  
**the dank meme provider** : PA-KNEE YOU IN THE NUTS-NYA  
**the dank meme provider** : IS KICKED FROM THE FRIEND GROUP

**nya** : oh my god i now have a new screenname  
**nya** : Ed you’re a genius

**the dank meme provider** : SOMEONE AVENGE ME GODDAMNIT

**alphie *uwu*** : she apologized after it happened, brother

**the dank meme provider** : AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : FFS

**knee you in the nuts nya** : Ed, I’m sorry I injured your precious jewels

**King Ling** : LMFAAOOOOOOO

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I wish I never ever had to read that holy shit why Paninya

**King Ling** : HER FUCKING USERNAME IM SKJFGNEJKGN

 

**The King’s Harem**

**King Ling** : guys  
**King Ling** : guys I have a serious question

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : go for it

**King Ling** : am I like  
**King Ling** : do I look like  
**King Ling** : Passing?

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : WHAT

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : OF COURSE YOU DO

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : OF COURSE YOU DO WTF

**knee you in the nuts nya** : YOU ARE SO PASSING WTF BITCH

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : HA  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : Lan Fan you owe me a fucking SODA

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Will a nice crispy thin sliced potato work instead?

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : BRIBERY THROUGH CHIPS?????  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : what flavor

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I only have hot cheetos right now

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : I will take a ziploc baggie full and no less

**King Ling** : GUYS!!!!!!

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : you drive a hard bargain Ms Winry  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : DEAL

**knee you in the nuts nya** : Winry, you know what hot cheetos do to your stomach  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : and your bathroom

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : WE MADE A CONTRACT IT CAN NOT BE BROKEN

**King Ling** : OH MY FUCKIGN SFJSDBFJKSNDJKFNSKJD  
**King Ling** : JSRNFGJNV  
**King Ling** : am i like **invisible** ?!?!?  
**King Ling** : IM GONNA CUT OFF MY HAIR

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : OH MY GOD YOU LITTLE SHIT

**knee you in the nuts nya** : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : DONT DO THAT DONT RJSFJKDFNSJKFN

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : what the HELL LING

**King Ling** : I just like  
**King Ling** : Does it make me look girly?  
**King Ling** : Cause like  
**King Ling** : Some guy called me “Miss” earlier and I just

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : ladies, it’s time to fuck someone up

**knee you in the nuts nya** : I CALL SHOTGUN  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : Both literal and also the passenger seat

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : No one messes with our King

**King Ling** : SKRJFNSKNFASFK  
**King Ling** : omg stop it’s not that big a deal  
**King Ling** : I just get really insecure sometimes you know?  
**King Ling** : I’ve been on T for like a year but like  
**King Ling** : It affects everyone differently and I just   
**King Ling** : Is my voice deep enough? Did they not take enough out of my chest when I got the surgery?  
**King Ling** : Do I still look incredibly feminine?

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Hey  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : You have a flatter chest than Paninya, okay?

**knee you in the nuts nya** : YEAH  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : Oh fuck WAIT

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : your voice is incredibly deep, especially compared to what it sounded like before  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : I still have those recordings saved on my laptop that we made to track your progression  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : I can send them to you if you want?

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I think your long hair is really beautiful, cousin  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : a ton of guys have long hair, too   
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : LOOK AT ED  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Life is incredibly fluid, this includes gender and sexuality and fashion sense

**knee you in the nuts nya** : and you don’t have to subscribe to one sense of “manly” you know  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : lan fan’s right things are always changing  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : and if you say you’re a guy then you’re a guy

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : and if tomorrow you wanna start going back to “they/them” pronouns  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : then we’ll happily switch over

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : you are whoever you say you are and we’ll always have your back  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : if you feel like cutting all your hair off will make you happier, if it will make you truly feel more comfortable with yourself then go for it

**knee you in the nuts nya** : but if you’re doing it because you think it’s what you _should_ do then I’m sorry but me and Winry and Lan Fan are going over to your house to hide all of the scissors

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : true story, cousin

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : I agree with all of the above

**King Ling** : I love you guys

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : _*heart emoji*_

 

**(@I’m only here to kick some ass)** _invited (_ **@the dank meme provider)** _&_  ( **@alphie *uwu*)** _to_ **Save the Drama Queen**

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Hey Ed, Al

**alphie *uwu*** : yeah, Lan Fan?

**the dank meme provider** : what’s up

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I was wondering if you guys could do me a favor  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : it’s about Ling

**the dank meme provider** : what  
**the dank meme provider** : what’s wrong   
**the dank meme provider** : is he okay? Is he in trouble?  
**the dank meme provider** : what does he need?

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : woah woah okay hang on he’s okay

**the dank meme provider** : oh  
**the dank meme provider** : well get the hell on with it my nerves are fucking shattered

**alphie *uwu*** : what do you need from us?

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Earlier, Ling was talking about feeling dysphoric  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : he talked about cutting off his hair

**the dank meme provider** : WHAT THE FUCK  
**the dank meme provider** : HE BETTER FUCKING NOT WHAT THE FUCK!!

**alphie *uwu*** : oh no /:

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I guess there was a misunderstanding with a stranger and they misgendered him

**the dank meme provider** : okay now im seriously ready to kick someone’s ass

**alphie *uwu*** : brother

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : it’s okay, he’s okay   
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : me and winry and paninya talked him down but  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : i feel like even though we were comforting him, he just  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : needs that reassurance from people who identify the same way?

**alphie *uwu*** : ah, i see

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : yeah  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : so will you guys take him out tonight or this weekend? Reassure him?

**the dank meme provider** : absolutely, lan fan  
**the dank meme provider** : we’ll do everything we can

**alphie *uwu*** : definitely!!

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : thanks, guys

**the dank meme provider** : anytime

 

_Direct Message_ ( **@the dank meme provider** )

**alphie *uwu*** :  what did you want the plan for ling to be?

**the dank meme provider** : I don’t know   
**the dank meme provider** : i definitely need time to think on it  
**the dank meme provider** : dont want him to think us inviting him out is the result of lan fan’s reaching out

**alphie *uwu*** : even though it kind of is

**the dank meme provider** : i would have asked out ling no matter what  
**the dank meme provider** : shut up! 

**alphie *uwu*** : oooohh  
**alphie *uwu*** : ask out huh?

**the dank meme provider** : you  
**the dank meme provider** : dont start

**alphie *uwu*** : hehe  
**alphie *uwu*** : im only joking

**the dank meme provider** : won’t you get your phone taken away if you have it out in class  
**the dank meme provider** : high school kid

**alphie *uwu*** : i’m at my lunch period but youre right i dont want any calls from mustang

**the dank meme provider** : that dude has ears like a hawk  
**the dank meme provider** : he has spies EVERYWHERE  
**the dank meme provider** : be careful alphonse and watch your back  
**the dank meme provider** : he _always_ knew when i skipped class

**alphie *uwu*** : to be fair you skipped so much you almost failed a grade

**the dank meme provider** : that’s neither here nor there! I knew what we were studying anyway i always aced the tests!!

**alphie *uwu*** : whatever you say brother

**the dank meme provider** : HMPH

 

_Direct Message_ ( **@knee you in the nuts nya** )

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : babe

**knee you in the nuts nya** : yes my cutie pie?

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : my tumm  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : h u r tttttttt

**knee you in the nuts nya** : you know im not gonna say i told you so even though  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : actually nah im gonna say it I TOLD YOU SO

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : TU MM  
**life is better as a robot** : HURT

**knee you in the nuts nya** : i cant go over to your house today im too busy staying away from people who aren’t making themselves sick and smelly

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : WHERE IS THE SUPPORT

**knee you in the nuts nya** : do you want me to banish all hot cheetos and hot cheeto makers for you  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : just find all manufacturers and ambush their shit

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : YES

**knee you in the nuts nya** : brb gotta prepare for world domination

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : you make me gay

**knee you in the nuts nya** :  (;

 

_Direct Message_ ( **@King Ling** )

**The dank meme provider** : hey you

**King Ling** : Hey  
**King Ling** : What’s up

**the dank meme provider** : i’m avoiding philosophy homework and debating on whether or not i should play stardew valley  
**the dank meme provider** : hfrrggg grrggg viDYa GAmE

**King Ling** : Ed you’re so valid

**the dank meme provider** : hehehe  
**the dank meme provider** : so anyway on the subject of stuff

**King Ling** : ?

**the dank meme provider** : do you wanna go out on friday night  
**the dank meme provider** : I MEAN SFJKGRUKEBRKFGBSEJKBFSJKE  
**the dank meme provider** : NOT AS A DATE NOT ASDFNE  
**the dank meme provider** : WITH ME AND AL WE SHOULD ALL HANG OUT  
**the dank meme provider** : AS FRIENDS

**King Ling** : Ah

**the dank meme provider** : YEAH!!!!!

**King Ling** : Sure, Ed

**the dank meme provider** : OKAY! COOL!  
**the dank meme provider** : shit sorry i’ll stop yelling haha  
**the dank meme provider** : is everything okay with you btw?

**King Ling** : Yeah

**the dank meme provider** : Hey  
**the dank meme provider** : i may not understand everything but i’ll always hear you out, ling

**King Ling** : it’s just some stuff i need to work out on my own  
**King Ling** : but thank you  
**King Ling** : I mean it  
**King Ling** : you always put up with my drama   
**King Ling** : you even treated me to my favorite restaurant not too long ago  
**King Ling** : I’m really glad we’re friends, Ed

**the dank meme provider** : NOICE  
**the dank meme provider** : oh god that was awful and awkward im so sorry holy shit  
**the dank meme provider** : you’re???? Welcome???????????  
**the dank meme provider** : me??? Tooo????????  
**the dank meme provider** : how do talk

**King Ling** : LOL  
**King Ling** : YOURE SO CUTE

**the dank meme provider** : KJDFVNJNFAKJDRFNRFNKER  
**the dank meme provider** : _SHUT THE FUCK UP_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! I know, I missed last week's update, real life got in the way! But we're back on track with chapter! I tapped this out really quickly, I definitely apologize for any mistakes lol. From where this story stands right now, there's about 3-4 chapters left aaaannnnddd... Yeah! Hope you all enjoy, leave kudos and comments and I'll see you guys next week!!

**The Sad Generation**

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : mmmmm  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : if i skip math today  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : will my professor truly hold it against me

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : ehhhhhhh probs not unless something important happens and you totally miss it

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : R U D E  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : i came here for _support!_

**the dank meme provider** : winry you are valid

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : validation from Ed doesn’t count  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : he misses a class every other day

**the dank meme provider** : FUCK YOU I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS SINCE IM HERE ON A SCHOLARSHIP  
**the dank meme provider** : and also mustang will chew my ass out if i dont go

**knee you in the nuts nya** : he’s like your dad at this point  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : except you know more present

**the dank meme provider** : paninya your username gives me flashbacks and i cry  
**the dank meme provider** : but also fuck you?

**knee you in the nuts nya** : *smiley emoji*

**King Ling** : my prof canceled our class today in an email and his closing remark was  
**King Ling** : “Later dudes”  
**King Ling** : like fucking literally  
**King Ling** : _later dudes  
_ **King Ling** : im so traumatized

**the dank meme provider** : AKFJNSRKFNKS

**knee you in the nuts nya** : “cant come to class, busy catching these gnarly waves dudes!”

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : he gives out high fives to anyone who uses the word “sick” in correct context

**the dank meme provider** : does he keep a bong in his class

**knee you in the nuts nya** : KSRGJKBKNDRG LMFAO  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : look man Snoop was right when he said “smoke weed everyday”

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : WOKE

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : _LIT_

**the dank meme provider** : your prof knows whats Gucci  
**the dank meme provider** : or gucky as the kids say

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : GODDAMNIT ED NO ONE FUCKING SAYS THAT

**King Ling** : hmmm I need new friends

**knee you in the nuts nya** : hoe dont do it

**King Ling** : **_S T O P_ **

**the dank meme provider** : omfg im in my room trying not to burst a fucking lung holy shit LMFAOOO

**King Ling** : if i stop replying one day you all know why

**alphie *uwu*** : i hate to break up the party but you guys know that no one really says those things out loud, right?

**King Ling** : THANK YOU

**the dank meme provider** : WHAT ARE YOU SAYING AL I CAN ONLY EXPRESS MYSELF ON TUMBLR

**alphie *uwu*** : yes

**the dank meme provider** : blinking_dude.gif

**knee you in the nuts nya** : to be fair Ed can totally do that since no one follows him on tumblr LOOOLL

**the dank meme provider** : BITCH FIGHT ME

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : drag him paninya

**the dank meme provider** : DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME TOO LAN FAN LET’S FUCKING GO  
**the dank meme provider** : MEET ME IN THE PIT

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : for one, there’s not enough of you to share concerning pieces  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : you’re like literally half their sizes

**knee you in the nuts nya** : KNWRJKFNSKJFN GO OFF BABE

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : and for two “meet me in the pit” is why you don’t have any tumblr followers oh god youre like a superwholockian sdkfnkjfnafwk

**the dank meme provider** : I CAN NOT BELIEVE I AM BEING STABBED FROM ALL SIDES

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : we’re stabbing you with love

**the dank meme provider** : IT HURTS

**King Ling** : I can’t believe i just witnessed a murder

**alphie *uwu*** : I am not apart of this! I’m sorry brother!

 

_Direct Message_ ( **@the dank meme provider** )

**alphie *uwu*** : any ideas for this weekend?

**the dank meme provider** : what about cosmic bowling  
**the dank meme provider** : Ling _loves_ a competition  
**the dank meme provider** : and we can get pizza and those slushies you like so much

**alphie *uwu*** : oooohhh!! That sounds like a great idea brother!  
**alphie *uwu*** : bet you’re gonna let Ling win all the games

**the dank meme provider** : excuse me??????  
**the dank meme provider** : im not setting my fucking pride aside!!  
**the dank meme provider** : ling better bring his A game and be prepared to get his ass kicked!

**alphie *uwu*** : you’re still gonna throw it, huh?

**the dank meme provider** : yeah probably definitely

 

_Direct Message_ ( **@King Ling** )

**the dank meme provider** : hey asshole, you better bring your best game because we’re going bowling this weekend!  
**the dank meme provider** : loser buys the other dinner   
**the dank meme provider** : be there or be fucking _square  
_ **the dank meme provider:** pulp_fiction_rad_squareshit.gif

 

**The Sad Generation:**

**life is better as a robot change my mind:** do you guys ever meet somebody and you’re like  
**life is better as a robot change my mind:** wow you’re a total piece of shit who _absolutely_ sends unsolicited dick pics

**I’m only here to kick some ass:** LMFAO WHAT HAPPENED

**knee you in the nuts nya:** *eyes emoji*

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : Remember how I used to work at my grandmother’s auto shop for a while?  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : i saw one of her clients on campus today like  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : i kind of vaguely recognized him at first but not enough to really say anything but he saw me staring and so i was like SHIT SHIT “hi how are you!”  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : and he was of course like “oh im good, thank. How about you?” and we chatted for like 2 seconds and then we went our separate ways and I was like WOW WHAT A CHILL GUY  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : BUT THEN HE FUCKING CAME BACK AND WAS LIKE “hey what’s your snapchat”

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : SNFEGSGKNGNEKTJ

**the dank meme provider** : OH MY FJKSDNFJISN

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : I fucking told him I didn’t have one but I was like DUDE WTF  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : YOU FUCKING RUINED IT THE GODDAMN NERVE

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : dude you fucking _know_ he would have immediately gone to the bathroom and whipped it out   
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : just “she needs to see this its only been two minutes but she wants it”  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : GOD WHAT AN ASSHOLE

**the dank meme provider** : LMFAFINSRKF  
**the dank meme provider** : slip into your fucking DMs like  
**the dank meme provider** : wHAt arE YoU weARiNG

**knee you in the nuts nya** : wHAt WOUld yOu DO iF i waS ThERE

**the dank meme provider** : wekbfgwrgjk GOOD ONE PANINYA

**knee you in the nuts nya** : (;

**alphie *uwu*** : wait   
**alphie *uwu*** : i dont get it the conversation seemed pleasant before the snapchat comment

**kick you in the nuts nya** : oh my poor poor little alphonse

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : too pure

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : so   
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : let me break it down for you  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : if you really wanna get to know someone and talk to them wouldn’t you ask for their phone number?  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : what’s the use of the snapchat app to even begin with?

**alphie *uwu*** : to send pictures to people   
**alphie *uwu*** : getting someone’s phone number is obviously a better way of talking to them  
**alphie *uwu*** : oh my god wait a sec

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : MHM!!! EXACTLY!!!!!!

**alphie *uwu*** : oh ew

**King Ling** : on behalf of men we do not claim that loser lmao

**the dank meme provider** : AGREED!

 

_Direct Message_ ( **@life is better as a robot change my mind** )

**alphie *uwu*** : hey are you really okay?  
**alphie *uwu*** : the snapchat guy didn’t creep you out too much, right?

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : ohhhh no! No worries, Alphonse, I’m okay!!

**alphie *uwu*** : alrighty just wanted to make sure

**alphie *uwu*** : i’ve known you since we were kids and sometimes you laugh off the things that hurt and i just wanted to make sure  
**alphie *uwu*** : that you were really laughing this time

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : don’t worry al im doing just fine  <3  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : thanks for the concern  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : even though it feels like you’re my _little_ brother and i should be the one making sure _you’re_ okay

**alphie *uwu*** : haha no way im doing really great  
**alphie *uwu*** : thanks _big sis_

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : <3 <3 <3

 

_Direct Message_ ( **@the dank meme provider** )

**King Ling** : Ed are you sure you wanna do this   
**King Ling** : you wanna take _me_ cosmic bowling?!   
**King Ling** : I the truest king of kings at getting strikes?!

**the dank meme provider** : dont get ahead of yourself pal   
**the dank meme provider** : if you recall i have quite the competitive streak

**King Ling** : i wonder what im feeling like having lately  
**King Ling** : fried chicken? That dumpling soup i love so much?  
**King Ling** : of course you can never ever go wrong with wontons duh

**the dank meme provider** : WHO SAID I WAS LOSING TO YOU ASSWIPE

**King Ling** : oh ed  
**King Ling** : youre so cute sometimes

**the dank meme provider** : literally fuck you

**King Ling** : maybe we should do something more classy for our first date

**the dank meme provider** : wait  
**the dank meme provider** : wait what  
**the dank meme provider** : WHAT THE FUCK GKJSEFUINWRUIFN  
**the dank meme provider** : LING

**King Ling** : im joking   
**King Ling** : as if you could take me out on a date after losing to me  
**King Ling** : _I do have standards_

**the dank meme provider** : oh yeah huh?  
**the dank meme provider** : we’ll see who fucking loses  
**the dank meme provider** : WE’LL SEE WHO GETS TAKEN OUT ON THAT DAMN DATE

**King Ling** : ed im joking

**the dank meme provider** : I dont think so pal  
**the dank meme provider** : iTS FUCKING ON LIKE DONKEY KONG

**King Ling** : oh my

 

**The King’s Harem**

**King Ling** : so anyway OMFG  
**King Ling** : BITCHES I HAVE SOME TEA

**knee you in the nuts nya** : SPILL IT

**King Ling** : me ed and al are going cosmic bowling this weekend right?   
**King Ling** : and we made the agreement that whoever loses takes the winner out to dinner  
**King Ling** : well i was fucking around telling ed im gonna win--of course i am lol like come on /hair flip/  
**King Ling** : and ED TOOK IT SO SERIOUS I THINK HE’S TRYING TO WIN AND WE’RE GONNA GO ON A REAL LIFE DATE LIKE REALLY REAL LIFE LIKE   
**King Ling** : NOT A DRILL YOU GUYS ITS FORREAL   
**King Ling** : ITS GOING DOWN  
**King Ling** : IM LOSING MY SHIT

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : WHAT

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : its about damn time

**knee you in the nuts nya** : wait youre trying to say Edward Elric, loser geek boy who can’t even mutter a single sentence without blushing totally and flat out asked you out on a date?!  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : is hell freezing over hold on i need to look outside my window

**King Ling** : okay he didn’t flat out say it i was teasing him and then i think he got upset like he always does

**knee you in the nuts nya** : cause he’s a little bitch

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : PANINYA

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : i mean she isnt entirely wrong  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : LMFAO

**King Ling** : ANYWAY  
**King Ling** : i think my pretty blonde mans is stepping up omfg

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : okay but if he wins then you take him out?

**King Ling** : that’s not happening

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Ling is actually really fucking good at bowling and even better when competition is involved

**knee you in the nuts nya** : okay but its not really a date if its just an agreement with a reward lol

**King Ling** : STFU PANINYA

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : i dont think ed knows how to date

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : Has he ever dated anyone? I can’t remember anyone in college thus far

**knee you in the nuts nya** : Win would know better

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : when we were younger he had the biggest crush on me but he could never get a word out and he’d go redfaced just saying hello to me if that says anything

**King Ling** : BITCH

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : DONT WORRY YOU CAN KEEP YOUR LOSER MAN HE’S NOT EVEN MY TYPE

**knee you in the nuts nya** : you guys are ridiculous

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : look just call your runway model friend Greed or whatever the fuck and have him deck you out in some nice ass clothes to make ed break his neck LMFAO

**knee you in the nuts nya** : YOOOOO!!!!

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : you know that’s not a bad idea

**King Ling** : hmmm   
**King Ling** : Greed’s a real busy dude idk   
**King Ling** : but i’ll hit him up

**knee you in the nuts nya** : I CAN NOT FUCKING WAIT  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : YOU GOTTA TAKE PICTURES OF ED AND SHIT, LING  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : I GOTTA SEE HIS FACE  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : MAKE HIM YOUR **BITCH  
**

**King Ling** : omg no paninya why are you like this

**knee you in the nuts nya** : what would you even do without me ling

 

_Direct Message_ (@ **the dank meme provider** )

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : i asked you to show my cousin a manly time   
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : not take him out on a date

**the dank meme provider** : KJFNWRIGNERNGKSR  
**the dank meme provider** : ITS NOT A DATE ITS NOT A DATE  
**the dank meme provider** : SHUT THE FUCK UP  
**the dank meme provider** : FUCKY OU

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : you’re freaking out a lot for a _not-date_

**the dank meme provider** : oh my god please leave me to crawl into my hole and die

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : all im saying is be prepared for what’s coming your way

**the dank meme provider** : I don’t know at all what this means but it’s ominous and i’m frightened??????

  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : you should be


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello all. Been a while, huh? Don't fret! I have no intentions on leaving any stories unfinished and I do plan on publishing some more stuff on here, this story certainly hasn't been abandoned. It's been a while so it's a little aimless but plot? what plot? it's just good old shenanigans. I hope you all enjoy and don't mind sticking around a bit longer for the ride. (P.S. There's a scene in here inspired by a post I saw on twitter, if you can catch it then I hope you enjoy it lol)

**The Sad Generation:**

**the dank meme provider** : pssssttt  
**the dank meme provider** : pssstt @life is better as a robot change my mind  
**the dank meme provider** : Winry let me copy your history notes 

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : what  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : we dont even have the same class what the fuck

 **the dank meme provider** : BITCH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT  
**the dank meme provider** : YES WE FUCKING DO  
**the dank meme provider** : that smartass Havoc?? In room 302 

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : …………………  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : oh my god i cant believe we have the same fucking class  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : NWRGNEGRERKLG 

 **King Ling** : Maybe you’re too tiny to see Ed  
**King Ling** : You can’t blame it _all_ on her 

 **the dank meme provider** : THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY

 **King Ling** : all I’m saying is you might simply have a small statue  
**King Ling** : *stature MOTHERFUCKER 

 **the dank meme provider** : i will let this go for reasons Ling  
**the dank meme provider** : but one more word and it’s the eternal slumber for you 

 **knee you in the nuts nya** : OOOHHH HE THREATENS YOU LING  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : YOU GONNA LET HIM CALL YOU OUT LIKE THAT 

 **King Ling** : what do I have to be afraid of  
**King Ling** : your tiny wrath 

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : aaron_paul_no.jpg

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : dont worry, ed-boy  
**I’m only here to kick some ass:** you’ll hit puberty eventually (; 

 **the dank meme provider** : I’m leaving this fucking group chat

 **King Ling** : SKSKSKS ED!

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : LMAO ED COME ON

 **knee you in the nuts nya** : actually it’s about time  

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : WAIT WAIT ED I HAVE A FEW MORE LINES

 **the dank meme provider** : lan fan!

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : since there’s such a height difference if we do that earth sandwich meme, does it still count?

 **King ling** : Oh my FUCKING GOD

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : ed do you need ice for this burn

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : do you get stopped at the mall by security because you’re the same height as a teenager?

 **King Ling** : I can’t watch this anymore

 **knee you in the nuts nya** : mom and dad please stop fighting!

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : Hello 911 I’d like to report an absoluTE MURDER

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : honestly there’s no use in calling the police, how would they even find him??? He’s not even at their eye line?  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : OKAY IM DONE THAT WAS THE LAST 

 **knee you in the nuts nya** : mic_drop.gif

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : ed you can borrow my notes for the rest of the semester for enduring this fuckery i promise

 **knee you in the nuts nya** : my girlfriend is such a compassionate angel

 **King Ling** : Ed isn’t in the chat anymore, he doesn’t exist after this _obliteration_

 **the dank meme provider:** When I Die. Then You Will Realize

 

 _Direct message_ ( **@I’m only here to kick some ass** ) 

 **King Ling** : Lan Fan  
**King Ling** : my dear sweet cousin  
**King Ling** : you know i love you dearly? 

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : whut

 **King Ling** : But if you ever come for my Eddie like that again  
**King Ling** : I will never let you in eat in peace in this home again 

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : pikachu_oh_face.jpg  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : oh my god  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : i just need you to know this wasn’t very frightening but i’m willing to give up the bullying for the simple fact you called Ed “eddie” like this is prime blackmailing bullshit right here thank you for this cousin 

 **King Ling** : Lan Fan…

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : yes my beloved but foolish cousin?

 **King Ling** : I’ll tell grandfather who it really was that plugged up the toilet so bad we had to replace the pipes

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : yo-you wouldn’t…

 **King Ling** : would you like to try me?

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : ….. Fuck  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I fold. You win.  

 **King Ling** : Ah, like music to my ears  
**King Ling** : this is why they call me King, you know 

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : no one calls you king, fuck off

 

 _Direct Message_ ( **@knee you in the nuts nya** )

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : BABE  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : BA B E 

 **knee you in the nuts nya** : yes, my sweet angel?

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : Do you know how we talked about needing space for our… fun toys (; hehe

 **knee you in the nuts nya** : our sex toys  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : Winry, no one is in this private chat between you and I  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : you can say it lol 

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : WHAT IF GRANDMOTHER SEE’S IT  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : i’m trying to be CUTE AND COY 

 **knee you in the nuts nya** : you _are_ cute and coy  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : besides i’m pretty sure your grandmother already knows hand holding isn’t all we’ve done  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : the first month we were dating she caught my groping her precious granddaughters boobs  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : i think we’re in the clear 

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : SKNFEJKRF DON’T MENTION THAT  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : STOP THIS MADNESS  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : ANYWAY! I’ve found some decently sized and cute little crate boxes at the store 

 **knee you in the nuts nya** : oooh tell me more

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : but i’m stuck!  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : should i get the one that says “enjoy the little things” or “love deeply” 

 **knee you in the nuts nya** : enjoy the little things????  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : for this Big Dick Energyy?  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : Winry…

 **life is better as a robot change my mind:** KSNGRKSNGR  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : OMG YOU’RE SO RIGHT IM SORRY  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : love deeply is pretty accurate for us anyway hehe  

 **knee you in the nuts nya** : hurry up and buy that box so i can kiss the sweet mouth

 **life is better as a robot change my mind** : Yes Ma’am

 _Direct Message_ ( **@King Ling** )

 **the dank meme provider** : you ready to get your ass kicked tonight, Ling?

 **King Ling** : I think you’re the one who should be afraid of losing, Ed

 **the dank meme provider** : just hold up your end of the bargain  
**the dank meme provider** : i’m trying to think of the most expensive restaurant in town 

 **King Ling** : that’s so considerate of you  
**King Ling** : trying to woo me with your college stipend  

 **the dank meme provider:** JSDNKSJGN GODDAMNIT  
**the dank meme provider** : bring your fucking A game because I won’t feel sorry for your ass when you lose! 

 **King Ling** : right back at ya, sweetheart ;)

 

 _Direct Message_ ( **@alphie *uwu*** )

 **the dank meme provider** : I’m going all fucking in tonight, Al  
**the dank meme provider** : no holds barred!!!! 

 **alphie *uwu*** : sigh  
**alphie *uwu*** : what did you and ling say to each other?

 **the dank meme provider:** HE CALLED ME SWEETHEART  
**the dank meme provider:** CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM  
**the dank meme provider** : THAT FUCKING CUTE FUCKING FUCK  
**the dank meme provider** : HOW DARE HE  
**the dank meme provider** : I’LL SHOW HIM 

 **alphie *uwu*** : isn’t it a good thing he called you sweetheart?

 **the dank meme provider** : he’s a condescending fuck and he needs to be put in his place

 **alphie *uwu*** : th-this doesn’t sound great…

 **the dank meme provider** : I AM CACKLING

 **alphie *uwu*** : brother…

 

 _Direct Message_ ( **@King Ling** ) 

 **alphie *uwu*** : my brother is in revenge mode, but did you want us to carpool an uber with you?

 **King Ling** : aw that’s sweet!  
**King Ling** : and while I’d love to watch Ed slip to the depths of absolute madness inside an uber after he suffers a loss from me  
**King Ling** : I’ll stick to the bus instead it’s not far off from where i live anyway 

 **alphie *uwu*** : you two are very strange  
**alphie *uwu*** : but okay

 

 _Direct Message_ (@ **I’m only here to kick some ass** ) 

 **King Ling** : I’ve made a horrible mistake

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : what? 

 **King Ling** : WAAAAHHHHH  
**King Ling** : HELP ME 

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : what’s wrong?!  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : are you okay tell me what’s going on 

 **King Ling** : I met up with Ed and Al  
**King Ling** : AND ED LOOKS SO FUCKING CUTE WHAT  
**King Ling** : WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCKSKJGNKJRGN HE DID IT ON PURPOSE 

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : Are you fucking  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : kidding me  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : OMG IM SO SICK OF YOU TWO!!! 

 **King Ling** : WAT

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : karate chop him  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : with your tongue 

 **King Ling** : waIT WHAT

 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : Kill him?

 **King Ling** : why the FUCK DO I COME TO YOU

 **I'm only here to kick some ass** : I could ask you the same thing!


	5. Chapter 5

**The King’s Harem:**

**King Ling** : BITCHES!!!!!!  
**King Ling** : IT’S OFFICIAL YA BOY FUCKING BEAT EDWARD FUCKING LOSER ELRIC

**knee you in the nuts nya** : like to a bloody pulp?  
 **knee you in the nuts nya** : I knw you guys would either fuck or fight   


**I’m only here to kick some ass** : SKSKSKSKSKSK

**King Ling** : no you assholes i mean BOWLING IM THE FUCKING CHAMPION  
 **King Ling** : hold the applause PLEASE someone get this  
 **King Ling** : PAPARAZZI

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : honestly im surprised Ed let himself get beat in _anything_

**King Ling** : I can’t help it if i’m fab u lous

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : alright calm down there buddy 

**knee you in the nuts nya** : doesnt this mean the two of you are going out on a date though?

**King Ling** : Oh   
**King Ling** : OH FUCK  
 **King Ling** : YES

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : what’s going on King  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : feeling nervous suddenly???? HAH

**knee you in the nuts nya** : you were so focused on the competition you forgot what you were even battling for you fucking disgrace

**King Ling** : what the fuck  
**King Ling** : why do i suddenly feel nervous wtf wtf wtf wtf

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : honestly we’re talking about walking fucking disaster edward elric what is there to really be afraid of 

**King Ling** : yes but he’s _my_ walking disaster and he’s taking me out on a fucking _date_  
**King Ling** : shit

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : double shit 

**knee you in the nuts nya** : triple and quadruple shit from me and winry 

_Direct Message_ (@ **the dank meme provider** )

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : you threw the game and lost on purpose  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : didn’t you?

**the dank meme provider** : the FUCK?  
 **the dank meme provider** : WHOMSTVE!?  
 **the dank meme provider** : you DARE accuse *me* of sullying the age old game of bowling under neon lights?!

**life is better a robot change my mind** : Yes

**the dank meme provider** : yeah i threw the game 

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : what why 

**the dank meme provider** : hmm.. Truth?

**life is better a robot change my mind** : always 

**the dank meme provider** : would you believe me if i told you it was because i really love the way Ling smiles when he wins and i wanted the opportunity to blow his mind with an incredible date?

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : holy shit ed 

**the dank meme provider** : JUST FUCKING KIDDING   
**t** **he dank meme provider** : while i hate to admit this   
**the dank meme provider** : Ling bested me this time and won fair and square ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : goddamnit ed i almost thought you were sincere

**the dank meme provider** : you_played_yourself.gif

_ (1 new message) _

To: **Elric, Edward**

💩: Lieutenant, I don't recall giving you permission to leave my bedroom this morning

**Elric, Edward** : Wh  
 **Elric, Edward** : What the FUCK IS THIS  
 **Elric, Edward** : ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS HOLY SHIT  
 **Elric, Edward** : NO FUCKING WAY

💩: This was not intended for you!

**Elric, Edward** : I CAN TELL!!

💩: It’s this ridiculous phone, I still do not understand how to use it!

**Elric, Edward** : OH  
 **Elric, Edward** : my gOD!!!!!!!  
 **Elric, Edward** : this is some good blackmail shit right here Mustang

💩: You wouldn’t dare!  
💩: If you breathe one word of this, Edward Elric, I can have you arrested!

**Elric, Edward** : Fire caNNOT KILL A DRAGON!!!!!!!!!

💩: I don’t know what you’re talking about!

**Elric, Edward** : hehehehehehehe!!!!  
**Elric, Edward** : laughing_troll.gif

💩: Elric!

 

**The Sad Generation:**

**the dank meme provider** : you fucking losers won’t believe  
 **the dank meme provider** : WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED  
 **the dank meme provider** : the gods have smiled upon me!

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : did you grow a few inches?

**the dank meme provider** : first of all fuck you Lan Fan  
**the dank meme provider** : SECOND OF ALL

**knee you in the nuts nya** : LAWL what happened

**King Ling** : I feel there is drama afoot  
**King Ling** : I must be apart of it

**the dank meme provider** : mustang_riza.jpeg  
**the dank meme provider** : FEAST MY PRETTIES!!!!

**knee you in the nuts nya** : YO   
**knee you in the nuts nya** : THIS AINT IT CHIEF

**King Ling** : OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOO  
 **King Ling** : I take IT BACK I TAKE IT BACK REMOVE THIS FOREVER   
**King Ling** : IM FUCKING HOOOOOWLINGGGGDFNKGJKNGRJKTN

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : ohmg who knew mustang could be so naughty  
 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : ROLEPLAY IM FUCKINSG DKJGN  
 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : PERMISSION SKSKSKSKSKS

**King Ling** : lowkey think i threw up in my mouth a little

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : of all the times i fantasized about daddy mustang  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : this isn’t quite what i imagined

**King Ling** : ………..

**knee you in the nuts** : Lan Fan what the fuck 

**the dank meme provider** : D-daddy!?

**alphie *uwu*** : oh my god i think my eyes are burning!   
**alphie *uwu*** : big brother why???! 

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : why is everyone in the chat denying the fact Mustang is a total DILF  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : yOU HAVE ALL SEEN HIM

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : Mustang doesn’t have any kids!!

**alphie *uwu*** : he’s our family’s friend and we’ve known him since we were kids lan fan!

**knee you in the nuts nya** : dear god lan fan is revealing a kink and i was so underprepared for this 

**the dank meme provider** : SDKFNDKFGNEJKT  
 **the dank meme provider** : you fools!   
**the dank meme provider** : lets get back on track here!

**King Ling** : I don’t think we ever had a track we were on in the first place Ed!  
**King Ling** : You’ve derailed us!

**the dank meme provider** : you’re all WEAK  
 **the dank meme provider** : look this is exactly the kind of shit we need over mustang’s head  
 **the dank meme provider** : to get whatever we want

**knee you in the nuts nya** : well well well  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : how the turn tables

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : is that a fucking reference to the office 

**King Ling** : Ed has anyone ever told you that if you were a character in a movie, you’d be the fucking villain

**the dank meme provider** : I’m the villain in real life what’s your fucking point

**alphie *uwu*** : can confirm the scariest version of my brother is in the morning when he first wakes up   
**alphie *uwu*** : he’ll destroy everything in his path 

**the dank meme provider** : i’ve never fucking claimed to be a morning person suE ME

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : Edward, think of the children!  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : someone save poor alphonse from the fire breathing dragon edward elric!!

**the dank meme provider** : YOU ASSHATS ARE GETTING OFF TOPIC  
**the dank meme provider** : how is me not being a morning person more prudent than fucking mustang over here sexting his goddamn girlfriend!

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : ed is this what you seriously consider sexting  
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : what kind of vanilla nonsense

**King Ling** : holy fuckshit i pray to the gods that you STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY LAN FAN

**knee you in the nuts nya** : LET HER SPEAK HER TRUTH

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : Lady Lan Fan haseth the flooreth

**alphie *uwu*** : is this the part where i close my eyes and cover my ears

**King Ling** : _the fucketh she doeseth_

**the dank meme provider** : HEAR, HEAR

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : The Lady asks for quiet in the court!  
 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : _taps microphone_  
 **I’m only here to kick some ass** : ahem   
**I’m only here to kick some ass** : I want Roy Mustang to handcuff me 

**King Ling** : SJKGNJKGRNEJKTGJK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
 **King Ling** : NO  
 **King Ling** : N  
 **King Ling** : O

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : ORDER IN THE COURT

**knee you in the nuts nya** : Ed, tell Mustang the only way he can get out of this is to handcuff Lan Fan and throw her ass in the back of a fucking police car!

**King Ling** : FUCK

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : HOOOOLYY SHIIIIT

**alphie *uwu*** : ohh is this the kind of content we were warned about as kids

**the dank meme provider** : i’m deleting this group chat because the fact it exists is an absolute travesty upon the world 

**knee you in the nuts nya** : hey lan fan no take backs, the universe has heard your cries and may repay you in kindness

**I’m only here to kick some ass** : uWu

@ **Life is better as a robot change my mind** has invited you to _**How to Get a Guy in 10 Days**_

**the dank meme provider** : what the fuck

**knee you in the nuts nya** : we know you have a date  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : we’re here to help

**the dank meme provider** : i dont know what makes you think i need help taking Ling out on a fucking date 

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : ed lets all be honest you’re a walking fucking disaster  
**life is better as a robot change my mind** : i bet your idea of a date was just taking him to that same restaurant he _always_ goes to and ordering him whatever he wants huh?

**the dank meme provider** : wh  
**the dank meme provider** : that is not!

**knee you in the nuts nya** : o yea?   
**knee you in the nuts nya** : enlighten us 

**the dank meme provider** : fucksake

**knee you in the nuts nya** : FUCKING HA! KNEW IT!

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : dont worry ed-boy you’re in good hands now

**the dank meme provider** : i hate that you both are trying to play matchmaker even though i’m already taking this jerk on a fucking date

**knee you in the nuts nya** : we’re here to make sure you don’t royally screw this up because we all know you’re a goddamn spazz

**the dank meme provider** : FAIR  
**the dank meme provider** : AND YET

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : look we know exactly what he likes and what he secretly wishes for

**the dank meme provider** : he’s one of my best friends how would i also not know these things 

**knee you in the nuts nya** : because he likes you and even though he’s a thORSTY bitch he still wouldn’t say it, he wants you to just KNOW

**the dank meme provider** : he what  
 **the dank meme provider** : ya know what  
 **the dank meme provider** : i think im good 

**knee you in the nuts nya** : ED!

_Direct Message_ (@ **King Ling** )

**the dank meme provider** : hey you

**King Ling** : whats up, loser  
 **King Ling** : LITERALLY  
 **King Ling** : HA!

**the dank meme provider** : pfft whatever   
**the dank meme provider** : what are you doing right now

**King Ling** : procrastinating on homework  
**King Ling** : you okay?

**the dank meme provider** : yeah  
 **the dank meme provider** : no  
 **the dank meme provider** : shit i dont know

**King Ling** : ?

**the dank meme provider** : is it weird if i say i just wanted to talk to you  
**the dank meme provider** : about nothing in particular really just

**King Ling** : of course eddie   
**King Ling** : i’m always here

**the dank meme provider** : cute

**King Ling** : i mean, i always am but what this time

**the dank meme provider** : lol nothing   
**the dank meme provider** : anyway ready to get taken out on the greatest date ever

**King Ling** : greatest date ever? Wow that’s BOLD  
**King Ling** : i’ve been on so many incredible dates you have a lot to compete with

**the dank meme provider** : oh  
**the dank meme provider** : is that so?

**King Ling** : MMMMMHHHMM!

**the dank meme provider** : we’ll see about that King 

**How to Get a Guy in 10 Days**

**the dank meme provider** : know I'm only back to use you two  
 **the dank meme provider** : I wanna put stars into Ling's cute ass eyes

**knee you in the nuts nya** : Oh ed  
**knee you in the nuts nya** : you’ve made the right choice 

**life is better as a robot change my mind** : we’re very proud of you ed 

**the dank meme provider** : yeah yeah  
**the dank meme provider** : let’s get on with this

_ (1 New Message) _

To:  **💩**

**Elric, Edward** : Alright, dear old uncle Mustang I have a proposition for you

💩: A proposition? 

**Elric, Edward** : I’ll keep our earlier conversation a secret under one condition

💩: You’d do well to keep that conversation secret based on principle and honor alone, Edward

**Elric, Edward** : Principle? Honor? Amongst thieves!??!?

💩: Thieves?

**Elric, Edward** : All I’m saying is we wouldn’t want these texts to fall into the wrong hand  
**Elric, Edward** : Perhaps accidentally sent to all the guys in your squadron by accident?

💩: You are an absolute menace   
💩: What do you want?

**Elric, Edward** : Money

💩: Excuse me?!

**Elric, Edward** : RELAX MUSTANG  
 **Elric, Edward** : Don’t think anything lascivious   
**Elric, Edward** : Truth be told, I’m taking a boy out on a date 

💩: So you’re blackmailing me for money to take your sweetheart out?!

**Elric, Edward** : Mustang, Mustang, Mustang, settle down now  
 **Elric, Edward** : Don’t think of it that way, consider this a simple exchange  
 **Elric, Edward** : A business transaction of sorts

💩: I fear for the world when you are released from University  
💩: How much do you need?


End file.
